


Time After Time

by apicturewithasmile



Series: If you mean time-travelling lovers.... then yes. [2]
Category: Lost
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-09
Updated: 2015-12-09
Packaged: 2018-05-05 21:00:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 8,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5390159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/apicturewithasmile/pseuds/apicturewithasmile
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John (who lives, surprise!) goes back to the island with the Oceanic 6. He's stuck in 1977 with them, while Ben and Sun are the present timeline. Ben's been trying his best to become a better person but will his best be good enough? Meanwhile John tries to find a way back to Ben because this is a slashy, angsty fluff fic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Some creeper in the jungle

**Author's Note:**

> *dramatic voice* Previously on Lost: Ben did not kill John in 5x07. You can read the previous little fic "Fair Game" which is an alternate ending to "The Life and Death of Jeremy Bentham" if you like.

_Ben. Where is Ben?_ That was the first thing going through John’s mind as he woke up. He opened his eyes and above him he saw the sky, framed by trees and darkened by clouds. He rubbed his eyes and tried to lift himself up. His head hurt – a lot, and as he managed to lift his body off the ground he realised that his clothes were soaking wet. It must have been raining just minutes ago. He didn’t need to check twice to know, he was back on the island. How he got out of the plane was beyond him but John was way past needing answers to what, why and how the island can do what it does. The only thing that mattered was that the plan worked, like Ben’s plans always tend to do. But something was different about this place, something John couldn’t wrap his head around.

After a few minutes he realised that he’d only been thinking what he should be shouting so he took a deep breath and did shout. “Ben?”

“Ben?” he tried again but there was no response. It made his head hurt more and his throat sore.

When he felt strong enough to walk, he decided to go uphill in the hopes of reaching a point from which he could determine where exactly he was. Every now and again he stopped walking and shouted Ben’s name, and then the names of Sun, Kate, Hurley and the others who came back with him. No one answered ever.

Long after the night got hold of the island, John was still walking when he heard a cracking noise from behind him. He instinctively reached for where he would usually wear a knife - there was none.

“Hello?” a familiar voice shouted but John couldn’t quite make out whose it was. It definitely wasn’t Ben’s.

“Who is this?” John shouted back.

From behind a ridge a flickering light appeared that blinded John. He covered his eyes and squinted, trying to look through his fingers to see who was pointing the torch light at him.

“Son of a bitch!” the man said, lowered the torch and came closer. “So, here you are!”

John looked up and let out a sigh of relief. “James! You are okay, I-”

“Yeah, let me stop you right there, Johnny. You can’t keep walking through the jungle and shouting Ben’s name like a lunatic! The boy was already packing his bits and pieces because he thought some higher power was calling for him or whatever.”

John stared at Sawyer with a confused expression. “The _boy_?” It was only then when John realised Sawyer was wearing a Dharma jumpsuit and it made him understand even less.

“Look. It’s a bit complicated. I need you to shut the fuck up and stay as far away from Dharmaville as possible, understand?”

“No, James, actually I do not. Do you know where Ben is, then please bring me to him!?”

“No. No, no, no, John. Ben is 12 years old and his father is raging mad because there’s some creeper in the jungle shouting his son’s name, so you better stop looking for the little gremlin. I already have enough trouble with the rest of you guys.”

John didn’t know what to think or say. Nothing made sense and yet he was amazed that this place could still surprise him.

“Are you saying that the time jumps didn’t stop?”

“Oh, they did stop, John. Just in the wrong year. It’s ’77 and if you didn’t already guess from my new wardrobe: I’m working for Dharma.”

John rubbed his eyes and tried to process what he’d just heard. “So Ben…. He’s just a kid?”

“Yeah…. Sweet boy, bit weird. Asshole dad, which explains a lot to be honest.” Sawyer said with a frown. “Listen, John! Jack, Kate, Hurley… they’re all with me at Dharmaville. All but Sun. Was she with you?”

“No, I…. I woke up in the jungle by myself. James!” John’s expression turned from concern to seriousness. “We need to find a way back to our time.”

“That’s a great idea, Jean-Luc. I wonder why we didn’t think about this before?”

But there must be a way, John thought. There’s always a way. Ben, _his_ Ben, would know what to do but where was he? Was he somewhere in 1977, too? Or was he in 2007? Or… The next thought intimidated John but it was a possibility he had to take into account, too. What if Ben didn’t make it back to the island at all?

“I need to see him!” John whispered, more to himself than to Sawyer.

“What? Are you…? Did you not hear me when I said he’s an annoying prepubescent 12 year old? With surprisingly clean skin, I give him that, but… What’s your obsession with him anyway?”

John took a deep breath. “You don’t understand. I need to tell him. He needs to know.”

“Know what?”

“He needs to know I’m going to find him!” John shouted and failed fighting the tears.

“Oh for fuck’s sake, Locke. That’s creepy even for you!”

John pulled himself together, told himself that irrational decisions wouldn’t help him find a solution anyway. He needed to stay calm to focus. “You’re right.” he said. “It’s probably best if I don’t talk to him. But we need to find a way back. This is not where we’re supposed to be, James!”

“Is it not?” Sawyer mumbled and walked back to his truck. He came back with a blanket and a dry shirt and the promise to bring some food and fresh clothes as soon as possible. “Don’t get us all killed, John!” was his way of saying goodnight. John nodded, absent-minded, accepting the fact that he had to sleep though he would rather do something, anything. But eventually night took its toll on him and he fell asleep.


	2. All the right things

Days turned into weeks. Weeks turned into routine. They kept sharing a bed, played house, without ever addressing the nature of their relationship. A couple of days after their first night together, the night in which John attempted to kill himself and Ben stopped him, they moved into a nicer hotel.

“Mr. Dean Moriarty and Mr. Jeremy Bentham.” Ben said at the reception when they checked in. It made John feel like they were criminals on the run; for Ben it seemed natural.

Ben would usually make some excuse to leave during the day, John stayed behind. He was still struggling, still sad, still desperate. Being with Ben made it better and worse all the same. At least he wasn’t alone and even though they hardly talked about anything but how to get back to the island, John knew that Ben was desperate and broken as well, even more than John himself maybe.

They would go to bed early at night, kiss for a while, then fall asleep holding hands. They never got more intimate than that. John tried a few times but noticed it made Ben uncomfortable. So he stopped trying and sometimes they would just go to bed without even saying goodnight.

During their third week together Ben started coming home so late that John was already asleep, or he would be gone the whole night. In that case he would walk into the hotel room in the early hours of the morning, pretending it was the most normal thing. He never looked tired but he always was. The first time this happened, John asked him where he had been all night – but Ben would just answer with another question. There was no way Benjamin Linus would reveal something he didn’t want to. Avoiding questions was his way of not having to lie to John. They both knew it was better that way.

Yet another night that was filled with silence and mystery, Ben rested his head on John’s chest, trying to calm his thoughts to the sound of the other man’s heartbeat. John moved his head towards Ben’s forehead, gave him a butterfly kiss, then buried his face in Ben’s hair. He didn’t smell like he used to. The scent of old sweat, wet soil, sea water and death – all had been washed away by countless cold showers and replaced by metal and concrete and something John knew all too well: self-loathing.

Once again John took a deep breath and gathered all his courage to slip his hand underneath Ben’s shirt. He gently touched the skin on Ben’s back with his fingertips, trailing downwards until he reached the scar on his lower back.

“John.” Ben whispered.

John immediately regretted it, pulled his hand out of Ben’s shirt, closed his eyes and held his breath. “I’m sorry.”

“No, don’t be. I…. I’m flattered that you are interested in me… in _that_ way.” Ben stuttered while failing at the attempt to sound self-confident. “It’s just, I…” Ben didn’t know how to say it. He felt ridiculous and ashamed though at the same time knew there was nothing to be ashamed of – which only made it worse. He swallowed the lump that kept creeping up in his throat and looked anywhere but in John’s eyes. “It’s just that I was never with someone. I mean, I…”

“You never had sex. So what?” John interrupted. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, if you don’t feel like doing it – yet or ever – that’s fine. It’s your decision and I don’t want to persuade you to do anything you don’t want. But if all you worry about is the fact that you don’t know what to do, simply because you’ve never done it…” John lowered his voice and turned around to whisper in Ben’s ear. “…well, I’ve never done it with a man either, so if you must know: I am fairly nervous, too.”

John tried to look at him again, but Ben seemed to be staring into an imaginary distance not allowing John to see what was on his mind. “Did I say something wrong?” John asked quietly.

“No, John. You said all the right things.” Ben said, taking his eyes off the wall. “But could we stick to just kissing for a while?”

“Sure.” John said with a grin and tousled through Ben’s hair. “I promise I won’t try anything naughty again, unless you ask me to, okay?”

Ben answered with a smile and a kiss on John’s cheek. He fell asleep with his head back on John’s chest a few minutes later.


	3. Traces of salt

Two days after Ben woke up inside the plane that had landed on Hydra Island he was still walking through the jungle on his own. He had not been talking to any of the other passengers that landed with him, not even with Sun who seemed to be the only one of the Oceanic 6 that made it to Hydra Island. As soon as he realised John wasn’t amongst them, he took a boat and sailed over to the place he once called home. He wasn’t so sure if the island still wanted him, if it was ever to be his home again, and so he prepared for the worst.

After days of wandering aimlessly his feet had brought him back to the barracks of the Dharma Initiative. He hated this town so much yet it had been him who decided to go back there all those years ago and live there with his people – to play house, to bring a sense of normality to this place that was anything but. Who was he even trying to fool with this perfect little suburban world? Was he doing it for Alex or for himself? Was he just trying to give her a peaceful childhood to make himself feel better about what he went through with his father?

Every little detail still looked like the day he left; everything so perfectly clean, almost sterile and cold. He still knew exactly where each and every member of the Dharma Initiative died; where their corpses laid for days until he finally dragged even the last one of them through the jungle and into their mass grave. Richard had offered to help but Ben had seen it as a test, as something he had to do alone.

And as alone as he had felt way back then, he was even more alone now. He stood in front of his old house, too afraid to go in. That door held so many memories of his past, and most of them weren’t pleasant. He remembered it being opened roughly when his father returned from work, usually drunk; Ben would quickly hide his bunny in a box underneath his bed and then pretend to be asleep so Roger would leave him alone – it didn’t always help. He remembered opening the door for Juliet whom he wanted to be with as badly as she wanted to be with anyone but him. He remembered running out of this door and looking up to the sky to see the plane break in two. The plane that brought him his life saver yet marked the beginning of his demise.

Just as he built up enough courage to go through that door he felt a warmness filling his whole body. Some kind of presence that was as familiar yet strange as this place.

“Hello, Benjamin.” The voice behind him was so soft and gentle it seemed almost unreal. A strange mixture of shock and relief pierced through Ben’s heart when he realised whose voice it was. He let go of the door handle and turned around to look at her.

“Hello, Mom.” Ben said and didn’t know whether he wanted to smile or cry.

She still looked like she did when he first saw her all those years ago; her angel hair covering her shoulders, her calming smile and generous eyes that looked right through his soul. She seemed to be everything Ben could never be and suddenly he found it hard to believe this flawless woman could have given birth to someone as damaged as him. Maybe his father was right after all; maybe it _was_ his fault she died.

“I missed you.” He said trying not to ruin the moment by acknowledging the fact this was just a dream. A dream – he hadn’t had any for years, for decades. Why now?

“I know. I miss you, too.”

“Why… Why did you never visit me again?” he said while holding back tears.

“I’m here now, Ben. I’m here because you need me now.” And as she said it she disappeared.

Ben gasped and looked around; trying to see where she might have gone. He was angry and hurt for he thought he had lost her once again, but then he saw light in the cafeteria and ran there as quickly as he could. The doors squeaked as he pulled them open and the moonlight lit up the room, making his mother’s dress shine even brighter than before. She was standing on the opposite side of the room, taking a picture frame off the wall and looking at it closely before putting it back where it was.

Ben watched her from afar, unable to say anything that would make sense. He wanted to be close to her so much, to feel her arms around him again for he only felt them once when his life was still new and innocent and the only pain he knew was that of having been born. Now everything was different and maybe if he could just lie in her arms, he could die there in peace and be with her forever in a place where pain didn’t matter anymore.

“Don’t worry, Ben. He’s on his way.” she said.

“What do you mean?” he asked with shivering lips, slowly walking towards her. Every step he took became more difficult than the one before yet he couldn’t resist taking another.

“John. He will be here soon. It’s just not the right time yet.”

Ben shook his head in desperation. His face turned into a grimace as he started sobbing with every inch of his aching body. “John...” It was almost impossible for him to speak through the lump in his throat that nearly cut off his breath, but he tried nonetheless. “John will never forgive me for what I’ve done.”

He suddenly felt his mother’s hand wiping the tears off his face, instantly soothing his sorrows. “He will.” was the last thing he heard her say before he woke up in the jungle. He could still feel her touch on his cheek even though it had never been there. The tears though, they were real, and Ben could feel them leaving traces of salt on his skin as they dried.


	4. The pain of being Benjamin Linus

It was one of those days again; Ben left without an explanation. He just said goodbye and left John behind like he did so often those past few weeks. They finally managed to convince everyone to come back to the island with them, there shouldn’t be anything left to do for Ben. Why would he leave like this again? John needed answers. He would have followed Ben earlier but as long as his leg was still in a cast that wasn’t an option. But he’s been out of it for a week now, so a minute after Ben left the hotel room, John left as well.

In a cab he followed Ben to the marina. John didn’t know what to expect, what business Ben would have to attend to. Hadn’t everything been dealt with? Why wasn’t he done with this place yet? What could he possibly need to do here before he can go back home?

Suddenly John heard a gunshot. He was still too far away to see exactly what was going on, so he ran towards where the sound came from and saw Desmond lying on the ground. It made him feel dizzy when he saw Ben pointing a gun at Penny. And then there was this little boy, not more than 2 years old.

John was paralysed, he wanted to stop Ben but he couldn’t move. For a second he regretted following him for now he had proof that there was no new Ben, that he was still the man he used to be – ruthless, coldblooded, cruel.

Then Ben lowered the gun and seconds later Desmond pulled him to the ground and started lashing out at him. John let it happen. The liar deserved it.

John didn’t confront Ben, he didn’t even stay to see if he made it out of the water after Desmond threw him in. He just left, unseen, and went back to the hotel to pack his bags and tried not to let the feeling of having been used destroy him. Ben saved his life yet he was willing to shoot an innocent person. It made John feel worthless for even considering he meant something to Ben.

The phone rang, he didn’t answer. It rang again, he pulled the plug.

When Ben came back he was soaking wet, blood covered his face and his lips were swollen. He didn’t know that John had witnessed everything, but when he looked into John’s eyes it was agonisingly obvious that there was no need to lie about what happened to him, because John already knew.

“Did Desmond tell you?” Ben asked with a voice so empty of emotion it was almost as if he didn’t say it at all.

“No, Ben. Desmond is very likely in surgery to close the hole your bullet ripped through his body.”

Ben was quiet. Every noise seemed muffled, his vision was blurry. He was shivering but he didn’t sense the cold wetness of his clothes sticking to his bruised body. All Ben felt was every pain he ever had to endure: The pain he felt when he had to say goodbye to his only childhood friend; the pain of never having known his mother; the pain of killing his father without remorse; pain that feels like pins and needles piercing through every square inch of his body; the pain of never holding his daughter again; the pain of being Benjamin Linus; the pain which was always there and would never leave.

“I was wrong about you, Ben.” John said and bit his lips to suppress tears, to not give Ben the acknowledgement of crying over him. “I was wrong. You’re not a better man. You’ll never be. And I can’t even blame you. That’s who you are. You’re…. you’re a killer and a liar and I feel so stupid for even allowing myself to think you could be someone else.”

Ben swallowed, closed his eyes hoping it would make everything undone, but there it was, another kind of pain to add to his collection: The stinging, suffocating feeling in his chest of being a disappointment to the only one who ever believed in him.

“John, I… Look, yes. Yes, I wanted to-” Ben swallowed at how difficult it was to say it to John’s face. It had been so easy to walk into Charles Widmore’s bedroom, to threaten him, to say it, to have the upper hand. That was nothing compared to how he felt now. “I wanted to kill Penelope. I wanted Widmore to feel like I do, but…”

John tried to ignore him, he kept stuffing things inside his suitcase, fully aware that he won’t even need them where he was going.

“John!” Ben’s voice was begging for attention, not for forgiveness but for some sign of understanding. “I couldn’t do it, John. When I saw her little boy… I couldn’t let that child grow up without his mother. Do you hear me? John?”

“Yes! I hear you! You want me to forgive you because you didn’t do the bad thing you’ve apparently been planning to do all this time since you’ve been here. Have you already forgotten you shot Desmond without even thinking about it twice? I’m sick of it, Ben! Do yourself a favour and stop pretending you’d be able to change!”

John grabbed his suitcase and walked to the door. “See you at the airport.”

Ben whispered John’s name when hot tears ran down his face. But John didn’t turn around, he didn’t dare to look back at the man whom he trusted with his darkest fears, secrets, his life – and who so carelessly threw away that trust. He closed the door behind him and shed silent tears in the hallway.

On the other side of the door Ben didn’t cry anymore. He bit his lower lip causing it to burst open again and fill his mouth with blood and under his breath he mumbled something that would’ve almost sounded like love if only someone had been there to hear it.


	5. Closer to death than the land of the living

_Don’t get us all killed._ Sawyer’s words still echoed in John’s mind as he kept wandering through the jungle, careful not to be seen by any members of the Dharma Initiative. He couldn’t help but think about the last time he saw Ben. They were on the plane and John had still been so agonisingly mad, that he didn’t speak one word to him. Ben had been trying to make eye contact but John had resisted his gaze. Now he regretted it. He’d rather be dead than never able to look into those eyes again.

He decided to speak to Sawyer once more, hoping that together they’d find a way to leave 1977. He didn’t care if he’d eventually get caught, if he’d end up in some prison because Dharma would think he was one of the Others. They wouldn’t even be too far off, if they thought he was.

He waited until it was dark and then made his way towards Dharmaville. It was a cold night, just minutes away from raining and John hadn’t eaten anything but a few mangos and a squirrel within the past three days. As a result he was exhausted but his mind was stubborn enough to keep him on his feet.

His mind was jumping back and forth, unable to settle on a memory; from the seemingly endless moment when Oceanic 815 crashed, to the first time he saw Ben, to their first kiss, back to the moment he woke up on the beach and realised he could feel his toes; John was remembering all of this at once while pondering over the question of why the island would bring him to 1977. Why separate him and Ben? Were they not meant to be together? The more he thought about it, the more frightened he was to find an answer. He had just decided to focus on finding Sawyer when he suddenly heard a gun being fired not too far away. John startled and had a déjà-vu of the day he followed Ben to the marina. But this time his body didn’t freeze, he ran towards the gun shot not knowing what would await him there.

When he came to a small path he saw Jin lying on the ground. John examined him and quickly noticed that apart from a bump on the head, he was okay and regaining his consciousness.

“Jin, what-” John turned around when he heard a choked moan from behind him. There was someone else on the ground, a boy. He made sure Jin was okay and then crawled to the boy who was lying face down in a puddle of blood that was brutally illuminated by the moon above them.

John didn’t have to turn him over, didn’t have to look into the boy’s eyes to know it was Ben. He just knew it, like an instinct. Cautiously he turned Ben over and picked him up. He wanted to cry, to scream and run after whoever did this but he told himself that this one last time, he needed reason to rule his decisions. Ben needed medical attention as soon as possible, everything else had to wait.

Jin was slowly trying to get up and keep his eyes open. “John?” he muttered.

“Can you drive?”

“What?” Jin straightened himself and just then realised what must have happened when he saw John’s shirt covered in Ben’s blood. “Yes. I think I can.”

“Then do it!” John shouted. He laid Ben down in the back of the truck and sat down next to him while keeping pressure on the gunshot wound. “Hang on, Ben.” He said almost inaudibly to the boy whose soul was about to go someplace a lot closer to death than the land of the living. “You can’t die.”


	6. Mending the wounds

Once again Ben found himself setting foot in the town he used to live in, but this time it wasn’t a dream. The place was real and the condition it was in matched Ben’s opinion of it: Wrecked, broken, lifeless. It had been abandoned a long time ago and without anyone to take care of the barracks they were left at the mercy of wind and weather and a black smoke monster that Ben hoped wasn’t around now.

The thought of entering his old house still intimidated him. He knew that if he did, he’d go into Alex’s room and would most likely not come out of it alive. So instead he went to the last place his mind had been: the cafeteria. Maybe because a small part of him hoped this was a dream again and he’d find his mother there. But when he opened the doors of the cafeteria, it wasn’t her that he met. Sitting on the ground was another woman; someone else’s mother and a lonely soul who was, like Ben, looking for her lost lover.

“Hello, Sun.” Ben said to her and noticed she was holding a framed picture in her hands. Immediately he glanced at the empty spot on the wall where a frame was missing – it was the same picture his mother had looked at in his dream.

Sun raised her head and wiped cold tears off her face. “What do you want?” she asked.

Ben walked over to her, trying to take a look at the photograph but she was covering it with her hands. “May I?” he asked and pointed at the picture.

Sun shrugged and handed him the frame.

“Is this…?” Ben froze as his eyes settled on the familiar faces in the photograph. “Dharma Recruits of 1977.” he read out loud and instantly realised what his mother had been trying to tell him. The picture showed about a dozen people, some of whom Ben didn’t recognise. But three of them he definitely knew without a doubt: Jack, Kate and Hurley.

When Sun stood up, she seemed weak in the knees, fragile yet still determined. Ben knew the state she was in, the _mode_ she was in. She had stopped living and started functioning instead in order to survive. Ben had been doing this for the past three years since his daughter’s death. He hadn’t even known any other way of existing anymore until John came back into his life. But pitying her was useless – he knew this because of all the pitiful eyes that had lingered on him but never came close to mending the wounds.

“Do you understand what this means?!” he said with excitement and tried his best at being his new self, friendly, honest, and hoped that she would notice. Because he knew exactly why she came back to the island, why she was crying, and it made him think that maybe together it would be easier for both of them.

“Yes.” Sun said and buried her face in her hands. “It means I’m never going to see my husband again.”

“No. Sun, it means quite the opposite. I am sure Jin is with them. And John…” Ben shed a tear of joy that landed on the picture he was still holding on to. “…he is probably there, too. He’s trying to find me. It’s just not the right time yet.”

Sun frowned. “Why would I believe a word you said?”

Ben closed his eyes. He knew she had every right not to believe him and that there was hardly anything he could do to make her trust him. But he could at least try. “I am sorry, Sun.”

She swallowed a cynical laugh and looked away from him.

“I truly am and I know that I caused you a lot of pain.” Ben said and tried to find the right words, _any_ words to express how bad he felt about what he did. “That freighter exploded because of me, because I couldn’t control my anger-” He took a deep breath to suppress the aching pressure in his chest that almost forced him to tears. But he knew that he had no right to cry in this moment, it was Sun who had to grieve now so she could find her way back to hope. “I killed him because he shot my daughter, I didn’t care about the consequences, didn’t care about anyone else. I am sorry that I put all of you in danger, I am sorry that you thought Jin was dead, and I am sorry that your daughter never met her father.”

Sun cried without making any noise, she just stood in the middle of the room with a blank expression while tears rolled down her cheeks. But she listened, she faced him and it told him that he was doing the right thing, that she began to see that he understood her. And though it was never his intention, it also made himself feel better.

“I am sorry.” Ben said once again and finally failed to hold back the tears. “I don’t expect you to forgive me, Sun, because I can never forgive myself. I just hope you can find a way to believe when I say that nothing is lost forever. You will see him again, I know it.”


	7. Driven by the desire to take revenge

On their way to Dharmaville Jin had told John who did this, who shot Ben, and even though John found it hard to imagine that Sayid was capable of shooting a child, he also remembered the cold stare Sayid had given Ben when their eyes met on the plane.

Jin had been driving as fast as he could and when they were getting closer to the infirmary Sawyer came running up to them waving his arms.

“Jin! Have you seen Sayid? He escaped.” Sawyer shouted but the look on his face quickly changed as he realised who was sitting in the back of the truck. “Son of a bitch.”

“That bastard shot him.” John said and was about to climb out of the truck with Ben in his arms.

“Don’t you fucking leave this truck!” Sawyer yelled at him. “If anyone sees you here they’ll think you’re a hostile, I’d have to put you in a cell. So shut the fuck up and let _me_ bring the kid to the doctor!” He took Ben and turned to Jin. “Take him to my house, and do it fucking quietly, okay? I want you to be practically invisible!”

* * *

For hours John had been pacing up and down Sawyer’s living room. Everyone was arguing. Miles with Hurley; Kate with Jack; Sawyer with Jack; Kate with Sawyer. “When did shooting children become okay?” someone had yelled. John didn’t even register who it was. He was too caught up in his own thoughts and fears. He was waiting for any news about Ben; praying for a miracle.

Juliet had gone to help, while Jack refused to go with her. In his mind John acted out how he could force Jack to help. He imagined dragging him over to the infirmary and tying him to the operating table so he could either save Ben or watch a child die in front of him. But he didn’t go through with it. A part of him that had given up. The last time he felt this helpless was after Boone had died. There was nothing he could do for Ben and it tore him apart.

While everyone else was arguing and Jack mentioned something about a plan, John looked out of the window and saw him. Sayid was walking right there in front of Sawyer’s house, in handcuffs, being led away by some mildly incompetent looking Dharma member. At the same time, Sawyer’s walkie made a cracking sound and a muffled voice said “LaFleur, we got him!”

John’s and Sawyer’s eyes met and it was clear that Sawyer knew what was going on in John’s mind.

“Don’t do it, Kojak!” Sawyer said but a split second later John was already aiming for the door.

Before Sawyer could even try to catch John he had already pulled Sayid to the ground. “Who the hell is this?” the Dharma guy yelled. John started hitting Sayid who could hardly defend himself with his hands being constrained behind his back. “You beast.” John yelled. “Why did you do this? _How_ could you do this?” Under other circumstances it would have scared John how good it made him feel to hurt Sayid, but now all he cared about was making Sayid pay for what he did to Ben. And for just a moment John could feel his own pain fade a little, so he kept punching until Sawyer managed to pull him off Sayid.

“Stop it, John! That’s enough.” Sawyer shouted.

John tried to free himself from Sawyer’s grip but eventually gave up as exhaustion took its toll and the realisation of what he had done startled him. He looked down on Sayid who was lying on the ground covered in blood and suddenly he didn’t feel as good anymore and the pain was back where it had been before.

* * *

 

The cell Sawyer had to put him in was cold and uncomfortable but that was exactly what John felt like so he didn’t mind. He sat on the floor in the corner reliving every punch he took and how strangely liberating it felt in the moment, yet he felt sorry now. This was not how he wanted to be, driven by the desire to take revenge. On the other hand there was something inside him that told him Sayid deserved to be in pain. John wasn’t oblivious to feeling desperate and knew that despair led people to do regrettable things but shooting an innocent child – regardless of the adult he’d grow up to be – that was incomprehensible for John. Had Sawyer not stopped him, he might have knocked Sayid unconscious without even realising it.

And now he had to wait there, more helpless than before. He didn’t even know how Ben was, if Juliet was able to save him. If the boy died, would that mean he’d never meet Ben? Would he just forget everything about him as if he was never there? Would he not even remember those eyes? Or would he always have to live with the knowledge of having lost the most important person in his life?

With the shirt he wiped his hands clean of blood, most of it was Sayid’s, some his own. Then he heard someone opening the door. He expected Sawyer or Horace but it was Jack who stood there looking at him with a blank expression and his hands in the pockets of his Dharma jumpsuit.

“Do you know how he is?” John asked, keeping his voice down and wrapping his arms around his legs.

Jack shook his head and looked down at his feet. “No. And that’s not why I came here.”

“Why are you here then?”

“To say goodbye. I’m gonna put an end to this. All of this!”

John didn’t understand what Jack meant. He stood up and walked the few steps towards the metal bars, now facing Jack directly.

“I’m going to prevent the incident that will bring us to this island in 30 years from now. I thought you should-”

“Don’t do this, Jack!” John said and clutched the metal bars as if they would give in and set him free if only he’d be desperate enough to leave.

“I have to.”

“No. Jack, you can’t. When will you understand? We are supposed to be here, this is our destiny!”

Jack hissed and had that look on his face again, the look John knew too well and never liked. He had seen it so many times before: when he tried to open the door of the hatch and Jack was against it, when he knew he had to press that button every 108 minutes but Jack didn’t believe it was necessary, when he wanted to bring everyone back to the island but Jack just laughed and told him to leave. In all those cases John had been successful eventually, had been able to convince Jack but now he failed. The determination in Jack’s face was stronger than it had ever been before and there was nothing John could do to stop him.

“Do you honestly think that if you do this you could change what happened to us? You think we’d never come to the island?” John said, his voice trembling and his face red in anger. “You’re wrong, Jack. Even if your plan works and our plane doesn’t crash the island will still find a way to get us here!”

Jack turned around and was about to leave. “You’re a sad old man, John. I’m sorry for you.” He took one last glance at John before he stepped through the door.

“I wish you’d believe me!” John shouted, loud enough for Jack to hear, and then quietly repeated it just for himself before biting his fist to control his anger.

During the next few hours John’s mood kept shifting from giving up all hopes to trying to break out of the cell. After checking every single one of the metal bars, the lock, the window, he convinced himself he’d never see Ben again.

Suddenly he heard a distant explosion, still strong enough to make the metal bars rattle yet not enough to knock him off his feet, and then through the small window above the bed John saw a bright light that illuminated everything for a minute.


	8. A long forgotten song

“What was that?” Sun said after the sky had turned into a blinding white for a minute.

Ben was still covering his eyes and tried to think through the aching pressure in his forehead. “I don’t know.” he said and cautiously opened his eyes again. “But I think it’s over.”

They looked around to see if anything had changed but everything appeared to be exactly the same – until Ben heard something. For a split second he could have sworn he heard John but then it was gone again. But then Sun looked at him in a way that told him she heard it, too.

“You hear that, too, don’t you?” she said.

Ben didn’t respond to her but leaped towards where John’s voice was coming from. Ben couldn’t even make out the words John was saying but the voice, it was as clear as day. Ben would recognise it amongst a million other voices.

“I think he’s there!” Sun said and pointed at what once was Dharma’s control station.

“John?” Ben shouted and sighed in relief when John responded.

“Ben? Is that you?”

Ben ran into the building and was disappointed when he didn’t see John standing right there in the middle of the first room. There was only one other place he could be so Ben ran down stairs, taking two steps at once and slammed the door open. When he actually saw John there, Ben couldn’t keep himself from smiling. “Here you are.”

John couldn’t believe his eyes. He pressed his body against the metal bars and stretched his arms through them to reach for Ben. “I thought you were dead.”

Ben took John’s hand and reached inside the cell to touch John’s cheek. He needed to feel him, to make sure this wasn’t another dream. “Dead? Why? What?”

“That’s a long story. Why don’t you get me out of here first?”

Ben nodded and turned to Sun without losing touch of John. “There should be a key box upstairs. Could you please-” He didn’t have to finish his request for Sun was already heading upstairs.

Ben turned back to John and stared into his eyes as if he saw them for the first time. “John.” he whispered through tear stained eyes. Just saying his name and knowing he’d hear it made Ben’s lips shiver. “I am so sorry and I know that word doesn’t mean anything coming from me, I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness….” Ben was looking for words for they all seemed to escape him. Nothing could comprehend what he felt like, nothing seemed good enough for John. “I promise, I want to be better. You showed me what it means to be a good person and, damn, I don’t even dream of being able to become half as good as you are but I want to try. Honestly, I want to try.” He closed his eyes and could taste the tears on his lips. “I don’t want to lie to you or hurt anyone, ever again. Please, John, give me another chance.”

During all of this John had been speechless, first because he was so relieved to see Ben alive, then because of what Ben said. It wasn’t that John didn’t know Ben was sorry but hearing him open up like this and talk about how he feels overwhelmed John and he didn’t want to interrupt the moment too soon.

Sun came back with a bundle of keys and tried them each until she finally found the right one and opened the door. John let go of Ben to step out of the cell and took Ben by the hand.

Ben fell into his arms and never wanted to leave. John’s heartbeat sounded like the melody of a long forgotten song, he had missed it so much it filled his body with warmth and calmness.

“It’s okay.” John eventually said and placed a kiss on Ben’s forehead. “I forgive you.”

Ben shook his head in disbelieve to what he had just heard. “What?”

“I forgive you, Ben. Do you think I came all this way from the 70s just to keep being mad at you?” He looked down and smiled at Ben before he bent down to place his lips on Ben’s. Tasting them again was worth all the pain and it almost was like they were never separated.

“I hate to spoil your moment but-” Sun interrupted. “Was Jin with you?”

John nodded with a big grin. “Yes, he was. To be honest I have no idea what happened but I got a feeling he’s alright.”


	9. Epilogue: Home?

Less than an hour later, Sun and Jin had been reunited. Sawyer had carried Juliet to Dharmaville, she was injured but she’d be okay. Now she was sleeping in one of the better-preserved beds and Sawyer was watching over her. Kate, Hurley and Miles sat around a camp fire, joking, laughing, going on with their lives because that’s what they had to do. Jack wanted to be on his own, he was too busy being disappointed in himself because his plan had failed. Sayid didn’t say a word to anyone. When he came back to Dharmaville he gave John a look that was hard to interpret and John didn’t know if he was able to forgive Sayid or be sorry for what he had done to him in revenge.

Ben had been sitting on a porch and watched them. It felt weirdly normal how they lived together, like it was always supposed to be like that. He wasn’t sure if they’d accept him in their group and he’d understand if they didn’t. But that wasn’t an issue that had to be dealt with tonight. He rested his head on John’s shoulder and closed his eyes.

“Do you want to go home?” John asked.

“Home?”

“Your house.”

“That’s not my home anymore.” Ben said and looked up at John. “ _You_ are my home.”

John giggled and covered his mouth.

“What?” Ben said upset. “I was trying to be romantic here.”

“Yes, I know. I’m sorry. I know, it was romantic. It was a very sweet thing to say. I just…” John wrapped his arms around Ben and pulled him closer to his chest. “…I like the new Ben.”

Ben tried to act like he was still upset but he couldn’t hide the smile for too long. “So do I.” he said and leaned forward for John to place a kiss on his forehead. “Do you maybe want to go somewhere a bit more… private?”

“Pardon?” John asked.

“…do something naughty?”

John laughed. “Are you sure?”

Ben smiled and blushed and shyly looked away. “Yes.” he whispered and after a deep breath he took John’s hand and stood up, pulling him down the two steps that led down the porch and towards the jungle.

“I don’t want to spoil your passionate moment, Ben, but there are still some perfectly comfortable beds in those barracks.” John said with a bit of confusion in his eyes pointing back at the town they were about to leave.

Ben stopped. He turned around and looked past John at what was left of his old house. “I don’t want to live here anymore. I hope you understand that. I want to start something new.”

John understood and cupped Ben’s face with his hands to pull him closer for a soft kiss. “I love you, Benjamin Linus.”

Ben didn’t know he had been hoping to hear those words until he did. He would have never imagined it could be possible for anyone to feel that way for him – especially someone as caring and special as John. It was already hard enough to accept the fact John was able to forgive him his mistakes, that John liked him, that he thought him to be attractive. But love was beyond anything Ben felt deserving of. He swallowed, parted his lips but was unable to say he felt the same about John. Words had always been his strongest weapon; he used them to lie, to manipulate, to get what he wanted. Using words to express his love for John, to say it with the same mouth that spilled nothing but lies for the most part of his life, seemed wrong.

“You don’t have to say anything. I already know.” John said and placed a kiss on Ben’s lips. “Now let’s go somewhere private.”


End file.
